Moonlight
One of my superpowers has always been sleep.
I know, right? Why couldn’t it be running really fast or extremely good eyesight or, hey, even blogging. But no, among my meager superpowers is sleep. I can fall asleep quickly. I can sleep through loud events. I can sleep for a really long time. I’m not a terribly talented napper, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. When it comes to getting my eight (PLUS) hours every night: I’m very adept.
But during this transition, and I don’t think this will come as a surprise to anyone, I’ve become acquainted with this phenomenon called insomnia. I can still fall asleep with the best of them, but these days I can count on waking up in the middle of the night. And once I’m awake: game over. It’s never the lovely thoughts that crowd your mind when you’re awake in the middle of the night. It’s all the crap. How badly am I screwing up my child? How will I make it financially? Am I expecting too much from life? And, oh by the way, how am I going to make that deadline at work? All this in the dark.
And darkness is a bounty in Portland this time of year.
Except. We’re crawling out of it. We’re off of two days of sunshine in Portland and it’s been amazing the effect it’s had on me. On everyone really. We adopt this siege mentality all winter and when the sun comes out and the daffodils bloom, we go crazy. We’re pulled outside as if by magnetic force. We’re compelled to smile. We silently congratulate each other for having the fortitude and good sense to live here.
And last night, this happened:
I woke up in the middle of the night, right on schedule. And as I rolled over, I saw the full (nearly full?) moon flooding the room with its exquisite light. I hugged the pillow. I waited for the gloomy thoughts to march through my thoughts. They didn’t come. It was unsettling. I turned again, feeling utterly comfortable in my skin, my bed, my room, my life.
What was that feeling that crept outward from my belly and seemed to radiate up to the moon?
It was happiness.
The Search
I can’t figure out why I liked The Moviegoer so much. It wasn’t just the New Orleans bit, it was more the fog that the main character walked around in the entire time.
I guess I can relate.
I’d be reading on the bus and not want to pull out a pen and mark up the book, which had me tweeting my favorite lines instead. It’s probably kind of annoying and maybe pretentious. But, eh, who cares.
The main thing about Binx — in addition to having an “x” in his name, which, let’s face it — was that he was in pursuit.
“The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life.”
His search was sloppy and at times it looked desperate. But he was committed.
I guess I can relate. Except that I need to become more committed.
Gratitude
I know, it’s trite.
Anybody who has done any measure of meditation or even yoga can tell you that gratitude is powerful stuff. It can change your attitude in a heartbeat and for me to say that so is like a Portland hipster saying that Stumptown has sold out. It’s painfully obvious.
But you know what? I’m really, really grateful.
Listen, I haven’t updated this blog in two years. And since that time, my entire life has shifted underneath my feet. I still have my “fix” of a job, but pretty much everything else is different. I’m not going to lay out the details or anything there is one thing I wanted to say.
I am grateful for my friends.
Yes! Another cliché!
But.
The friends that I have come to count on in recent months have all impressed me in their own ways. They have come crawling out of my past, have stepped out of the din of everyday acquaintances, have called just to say ‘hi,’ have changed my name in their address book, helped me figure out WordPress, shared recipes, given advice on meditation and burned CDs. They’ve helped me celebrate the highs and ride out the lows. And trust me, there’s been an inordinate amount of each.
I am grateful for my friends, for my voice and for the fortitude to be back on this blog feeling like I might have something to say.
Yep, 2012 is the year of gratitude.